


Lonely Moonlight

by Samunderthelights



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Fanfiction, Gay, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-23 11:29:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9654986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samunderthelights/pseuds/Samunderthelights
Summary: There he is, that wonderful, kind and funny man that Ryan had once known so very well. They had been young men when they had met, but their love for music had made them the best of friends. The fact that they had been in a band together, and they had been able to create music together, it had only strengthened their bond. For months, they had talked to each other for hours, discussing lyrics, books that would inspire song titles, movies… Many nights were spent sitting outside, smoking, discussing their music, fantasising about how things would turn out once they would bring it into the world. Once it would leave the safety of their own minds. The safety of their own friendship.





	

There he is, that wonderful, kind and funny man that Ryan had once known so very well. They had been young men when they had met, but their love for music had made them the best of friends. The fact that they had been in a band together, and they had been able to create music together, it had only strengthened their bond. For months, they had talked to each other for hours, discussing lyrics, books that would inspire song titles, movies… Many nights were spent sitting outside, smoking, discussing their music, fantasising about how things would turn out once they would bring it into the world. Once it would leave the safety of their own minds. The safety of their own friendship.  
Once the album was finished, and there was no more music to discuss, things changed. There were no more nights spent outside, talking for hours, falling asleep as they were watching the sun rise slowly. Now they would go on tour, and they would have to face the fans. Face the music.  
At first, the four friends would spend their spare time away from each other, but in the end, once the two young men realised how much they missed each other, they slowly but surely, started spending more time with each other. The shows changed, the chemistry changed, and people were starting to notice. There simply was a chemistry between them. A certain spark.  
But seeing as their music shot up into the charts, their faces were all over the music magazines, and doing interviews was a daily thing, they could simply ignore their feelings. Keeping busy and working hard, it was enough. And after work was done, they would enjoy each other’s company, talking, watching movies, or simply cuddling up until they fell asleep.

There he is, the beautiful man, still so young at heart, singing a song that they had discussed for weeks on end, a song about a wedding. It seems like a lifetime ago now. They were so much younger back then. Kids still, really. But once they started writing the second album, they had matured. Things had changed. Relationships had changed. There were, and had been girlfriends. The chemistry between the two young men was still not discussed. Not even when they had kissed, that final night of the tour before they started working on the second album.  
Once they were stuck in a cabin together, things were started to come out. There were arguments, and there were more drugs and booze than ever before. Ryan was writing about a doomed love affair. The love affair that was happening, but was never spoken of. It was a way to get things out without going mad. But it only drove Brendon away.  
But then they scrapped the album, and they left. They all went their separate ways for weeks, and the lyrics weren’t discussed anymore. Not once. They simply started writing new songs. A new direction. Seeing as they were still young, and had the world at their feet, they could experiment, try out new things. But it was clear to see that things were falling apart.  
There were more drugs, more booze, more arguments. Every night on tour became either a party or a fight. There was no more talking all night, no more cuddling until they fell asleep. Brendon had pushed Ryan away, and it was breaking his heart. On stage he would long for what they had once had. That perfect passionate kiss. It had been a joke at first, the speech before Lying. But it had grown into an act for the tour. Now that they had moved on from it, Ryan missed it. He longed for it. He longed for Brendon.

There he is, handsome as ever, about to go off the stage, flashing a final smile. That perfect smile that still makes Ryan’s heart skip a beat. Ryan can’t help but smile when he sees it. That smile had been given to him so many times, many years ago. Once upon a time Brendon loved him. They would look at each other, and Brendon would smile. He simply could not help himself. But that was then, before it all came tumbling down.  
They were working on a third album, when Ryan decided to face his feelings. It had been years. Years of attraction, of being in love. And it was clear to see that the feeling was mutual. So why try and ignore it any longer? Why kiss, once every blue moon? Why have their hugs last just a little too long, because they simply didn’t want they let go of each other? Why not give into it? So he went up to him. That beautiful young man, who flashed him a smile. And he told him. Flat out. I love you.  
But Brendon had been scared. Living this life, his dream, it had been all he had ever wanted. And he simply couldn’t lose it. And no matter how many times Ryan would tell him that the fans wouldn’t care, or they would hide it, he simply couldn’t let go of his fears. He was too scared to lose it all.  
Weeks later, the band had split into two, and they had moved on. It had taken years for them to speak to each other again. But once they did, Brendon had still given him that smile. The true and honest one. It comes from deep within. You can see it in his eyes. He was married now, and happily so. Yes, Ryan had been jealous, but he had been happy for him. He had even congratulated him. There had even been a hug.

Here they are, many moons after that meeting, and Ryan is outside. His heart is beating fast, the ringing from the music still in his ears. Seeing Brendon, it still makes him smile. It still makes him cry. It makes him feel warm inside, but broken.  
There is a man, selling illegal merchandise of the band, and Ryan can’t help but smile when he sees it. The picture used on the items is an old one, back from the Fever period. He buys a mug with their faces on it, and pays the man. But then the man looks at him, and he looks back at the merchandise.  
“Hey man, isn’t that…?” he asks, but Ryan has already left. “Hey!”  
Ryan doesn’t turn around. He simply keeps walking. Knowing that he’ll be back here in a few months to see Brendon on that stage again. It is what he does. Even though it breaks his heart to see him, it makes him feel proud. Proud to have known that man, proud to have been his friend. Sad, knowing what they could have had, if only Brendon had been a little braver. But mostly happy, knowing that he is still living his dream. The dream that drove them apart in the end.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you!! xx


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